You're Not A Victim To Your Attraction

Do you ever find that you’re attracted to the wrong people? Or you find yourself in relationships you don’t really want to be in - but the attraction is just so strong. Many will say “you can’t help who you’re attracted to” (whether it’s the good-looking jerk, the more quiet girl-next-door type, or even someone of your same-sex). The issue with that sentence “you can’t help who you’re attracted to" puts you and your will as a slave or victim to your attractions or impulses. Attraction is not the highest level of decision making, your values are. Attraction isn’t a bad thing, it’s just not the greatest thing.

Unfortunately, most of us have misunderstood attraction as something hardwired in us. Something unchanging and something as unique and definite to us as our personality. Attraction simply means there is something that intrigues or draws you to a specific person. This is just information telling us that we value something we perceive this person to have. The worst thing we can do (but how most of us have been taught) is that attraction is first and foremost sexual - rather than a value-based thing.

Here’s how we can figure this out. When you see someone you’re attracted to, awesome, opportunity time. Ask yourself, “what am I attracted to about this person? What do I like about him/her?” Is it his confidence? Is it her kindness? Does he represent a really good caring dad to me - one that I wish I was or wish I had when I was growing up? Does her wild-sassy side represent a great adventure I could have with her? Does their gentleness represent the comfort and acceptance I deeply need inside? Do they have a specific anointing that I’m passionate about (and I develop a little spiritual crush)? Is my life a little crazy and she seems grounded, kind of like my mom, who was caring and present and helpful?

Sometimes they have these incredible characteristics (or we at least perceive they have them) that we really value or long for. Sometimes it’s something we wish we had inside. Have you ever noticed how opposites attract? 

Also, some people just have really charismatic personalities or strengths. I know lots of people who have the strength of woo. Their strength is to bring energy and fun in as they meet new people and break the ice and help people feel connected. It’s a beautiful gift to a team. These people will attract others around them quickly but it can often be confused as sexual or flirting. Been there? 

So is attraction all bad? Heck no! It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a spark and it feels magical. I’m super attracted to my wife - not just in character but physically. Attraction is a good thing, it’s just not the highest thing, remember? When I met my wife, I figured out what I was attracted to about her: she loved to laugh (I do too and want more fun in my life), she was super loyal to her friends (I dig loyalty, I don’t have to fear being perfect and performing well), everyone in her church loved her (she lives well with those around her and cleans up messes when needed), she loved Jesus and walked with Him even when it wasn’t easy (so I know it’s an internalized decision, not a situational one), she dressed well but not revealing (she cares about style but also purity), she’s a night owl that got up early to talk to me (so she knows and is willing to sacrifice and not just make me come to her), she was passionate yet teachable (so I know she won’t be a pushover or stuck in her way as we grow together), and…. she looked real good (cause that is part of God’s plan is to be turned on by your spouse). When I looked at all the reasons I was attracted to her (there’s more but I’ll save you), they were all value-driven attractions rather than need-based attractions. The things I saw in her were character-based things and value-based things that I knew I wanted in a wife while I was single and in a healthy place. 

“Yeah, yeah, good for you, but what if I keep being attracted to people I won’t want to be? What if it’s the stylish jerk or the beautiful selfie-queen who doesn’t care what I want?” We’ve all been there, so here are a few simple steps to start loosening the hold of attraction in your heart and mental space. 

1 - Instead of calling it “attraction” (which usually has romantic or sexual implications) call it “drawn to.” I’m really drawn to these types of guys. I’m really drawn to that girl. It starts to take the sexual energy out of it so you can see if your values are there.

2- Ask yourself what it is that draws you to them. Is it their confidence? Their style? The adventure?

3 - Name it for what it is. Is it a spiritual crush? A kindness crush? A confidence crush? A good dad crush? A manly crush? A beautiful crush? You can now see this is a desire and value of yours and a characteristic you can look for outside of this person. 

4 - Find other safe people who have that characteristic and interact with them. We’re not tempted to drink pond water when we’re next to the tap - but you can’t say the same when you come from the desert.

5 - If it’s something you feel you’re lacking, ask God to help you grow in that. “God, I want to be more fun.” or “God, I don’t really feel like a man, I feel like a fake or that I don’t measure up. Can you show me what it means to be a man?” “God, I love her love for the Word. Will you help me love it like that?” 

What if I did all of this and it basically just comes down to I think they’re sexy? Awesome. You’ve got a sex drive that’s working and found someone you’re attracted to. Remember that physical attraction is just one minor part of a relationship. If this was the determining factor, what happens if you get married and your sexual attraction fades? Or you see someone else that you're attracted to that’s not your spouse? If you need help with managing your sex drive, we’ve got another blog for you here. 

Attraction is simply an indicator that something inside of you is drawn in - it doesn’t have to dictate your future and choices. You can celebrate what you value - but can stop letting it run your life.