How Do I Know If They’re “The One”?

Does God Pick My Spouse, or Do I?

If you’ve been around Christian culture for more than five minutes, you’ve probably heard someone say something like:

“I just knew she was the one.”
“God told me he was going to be my husband.”
“If it’s God’s will, it’ll just happen.”

And if you're anything like me, you’ve wondered:
Wait… is that how it works? Does God have one specific person I’m supposed to marry? And what happens if I miss it?

Welcome to the mental tug-of-war between destiny and free will—Christian edition.

Let’s take a breath, set aside the rom-com theology and Sunday school clichés, and explore what Scripture, wisdom, and real life have to say about how we find (or choose) the person we’ll marry.

The Myth of “The One”

Let’s start here: The Bible never teaches the idea of a mystical soulmate you have to correctly identify or else ruin your life forever.

No pressure, right?

While it’s a popular idea in Christian dating circles—and pretty much every Nicholas Sparks movie—this “one person for me” narrative can actually cause more confusion, anxiety, and even spiritual manipulation than clarity or peace.

We start looking for “signs” instead of doing the work of building trust.
We avoid responsibility by waiting on a “yes” from heaven instead of making wise, prayerful choices.
And when a relationship gets hard, we wonder, “Did I miss it? Did I marry the wrong person?”

Here's the truth: Marriage isn’t something you discover. It’s something you build.

Does God Preordain Our Spouse?

Let’s get theological for a second. There are two dominant ideas floating around:

1. The Blueprint View

This says God has every detail of your life pre-scripted—who you’ll marry, where you’ll live, what toothpaste you’ll use. Your job is just to listen hard enough and follow the steps perfectly.

Sounds comforting at first. Until you realize one wrong move might wreck everything.

2. The Wisdom View

This view says God gives you wisdom, the Holy Spirit, and a community to help you make good decisions—but you actually get to choose. Not out of pressure, but out of freedom. God isn’t waiting to trap you into a divine scavenger hunt. He’s walking with you in the journey.

Spoiler: I lean toward this one. Because it matches how God relates to us throughout Scripture.

Yes, God can and does speak clearly about relationships (hello, Hosea). But more often, He invites us into co-laboring—with prayer, wisdom, and values that guide our decisions.

Think about it this way: God cares more about how you choose than just who you choose.

So... What Should I Be Looking For?

If “the one” isn’t about finding the only person God will let you marry, what is it about?

Here are five things that matter way more than butterflies or a prophetic word:

1. Character Over Chemistry

Attraction is great. Chemistry is fun. But 10 years into marriage, character is what keeps your home peaceful—or makes it miserable.

• Do they show integrity when no one’s watching?

• Do they own their mistakes and pursue growth?

• Do they treat people who can’t benefit them with kindness?

You can’t build a whole life on good kissing. Ask deeper questions.

2. Shared Values and Vision

Can two walk together unless they agree? (Amos 3:3)

If you want to raise a family with Kingdom purpose, love Jesus with your whole heart, and walk in purity before marriage, but they think church is optional and sex is expected—that’s not “the one.” That’s a mismatch.

No matter how hot, funny, or saved they seem, if they aren’t running toward what God has for you, you’ll either drag them with you or slow down to stay close. Neither of those are great options.

3. They Make You Better

Not just happier—healthier.

A great dating relationship should sharpen you, not shrink you. You should come alive, feel challenged toward growth, and have your blind spots lovingly called out, not ignored or exploited.

If you’re compromising more than you’re growing, stop asking if they’re “the one” and start asking, “Is this helping me become who God made me to be?”

4. Peace in the Process

God’s voice usually comes with clarity and peace—not confusion and anxiety.

That doesn’t mean the relationship will be drama-free. But it does mean that, as you walk together, there’s a settled sense of “This is good. We’re building something right.”

If you’re constantly second-guessing, feel like you’re dragging someone into commitment, or are hoping they’ll change later… pause. Invite mentors and the Holy Spirit into that space. Peace should grow with time, not shrink.

5. A Willingness to Work

There’s no such thing as a perfect person. You’re going to marry someone flawed. But the question is: Are they humble? Teachable? Willing to fight for connection when things get hard?

Love doesn’t just show up. It grows up.

Healthy relationships take real effort—listening, forgiving, learning each other’s love languages, handling conflict, and pressing in when it would be easier to withdraw. That’s why you don’t just need a “spark”—you need someone who’s in it for the work.

What About Hearing God’s Voice?

God speaks. He’s not silent. But He doesn’t usually give us step-by-step relationship instructions like a divine GPS.

Sometimes He’ll speak through:

• A sense of peace (or a nagging lack of it)

• Wise voices around you (parents, mentors, leaders)

• Scripture that brings confirmation or clarity

• Your own desires—yes, those matter too!

But even when God does give you a strong sense about someone, it doesn’t erase the need for wisdom. You still need to ask the right questions, set boundaries, and walk out the process with maturity.

Don’t mistake a prophetic word for a proposal. Even if God says “yes,” you still have to choose each other—daily.

So... Do I Get to Choose?

Short answer? Yes.

You get to choose.

You choose with God, not apart from Him. He’s a Father who loves to partner with you, not micromanage you. He cares deeply about your marriage and will guide you every step of the way—but He won’t force your hand.

That might feel risky. But it’s actually a gift.

Love requires freedom. And God’s love for you is never manipulative or controlling. He invites, guides, and empowers—but lets you say yes or no.

The goal isn’t to avoid mistakes at all costs. It’s to walk with wisdom, grace, and courage.

What If I Already Chose Wrong?

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “Great, I didn’t choose wisely. We’re already dating—or even married—and it’s not what I hoped.”

Here’s the good news: God redeems.

There’s no such thing as “too far gone” when it comes to the redemptive love of Jesus. Whether your relationship needs healing, a restart, or a total reset—He’s in it with you.

You’re not outside of His plan just because your path wasn’t perfect.

Final Thought: The “One” Is the One You Choose

Let’s simplify this whole question.

The “one” is the person you choose to love, covenant with, fight for, and grow with—for a lifetime.

That’s the beauty of marriage: It’s not about perfection. It’s about promise.
And that promise is powerful—not because it came from a dream or an angel—but because you made it with your whole heart, and God’s love is the fuel that keeps it burning.

Want to Go Deeper?

If you’re dating and want to learn how to build a relationship with real boundaries, intentional connection, and honest conversations about sex and faith—my book How Far Is Too Far? was written for you.

It’s a practical, no-fluff guide to navigating physical intimacy in dating as a Christian. We’ll go deeper into the things you’re probably already thinking about—but with clarity, honesty, and a game plan you can actually use.

Check it out at PhysicalBoundaries.com.
Your future marriage will thank you.