How Do I Stop Having Sex with My Boyfriend, Girlfriend, or Fiancé If We’ve Already Done It?

Let’s just say it plainly:

You love God. You love your person. And you’ve already crossed a line sexually.

Maybe it started with a late-night makeout that went further than you planned. Maybe you slid into a rhythm of “we’ll just stop next time.” Or maybe you told yourselves you were going to wait, but… you didn’t.

Now you’re left with this burning question:

“How do we stop having sex if we’ve already been doing it?”

It’s vulnerable. It’s awkward. But it’s also a holy and courageous question.

And if you’re asking it, that means something really important:
You want to build this relationship on something better than just pleasure or chemistry.
You’re choosing vision over compromise.

So let’s talk about how to actually stop, reconnect with God, and rebuild your relationship on purpose and at the right pace.

First: You Are Not Alone or Beyond Redemption

Let’s get something out of the way.

If you’ve already had sex in your dating or engaged relationship, you’re not the only ones. Many Christian couples find themselves in this same spot—genuinely trying to honor God but tangled in desire, attachment, and confusion.

And here’s what I want you to hear first:

Your story is not ruined. Your relationship is not disqualified. And your future is not lost.

Shame wants to convince you that it’s too late.
Jesus says, “Let’s start right here.”

There is healing. There is power. And there is a better way forward.

Step 1: Get Honest With God and Each Other

You can’t change what you won’t face. So take a deep breath and name what’s true.

• Admit it to God—not just that it happened, but how you feel about it.

• Share your heart with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé.

• Use words like: “I know we’ve crossed lines sexually, and even though we care about each other, I want us to reset and pursue God’s best.”

No blaming. No defensiveness. Just honesty and humility.

If you don’t start with a heart-level conversation, it’ll always be about behavior management instead of heart transformation.

And that never lasts.

Step 2: Reframe the “Why”

Stopping sex in a relationship is not just about gritting your teeth and following rules.

It’s about realigning with your “why.”

Ask each other:

• What kind of marriage do we want to build?

• What kind of legacy are we writing?

• Do we want passion without shame?

• Do we want a sex life later that’s rooted in trust, not guilt?

Revisit your vision for the relationship. Remember that sexual purity isn’t deprivation—it’s preparation. It’s creating space for God’s kind of intimacy: passionate, shame-free, and safe.

“When you have a goal, you have a ‘yes’ stronger than a hundred ‘nos.’”
— HFITF, Chapter 1

Step 3: Set Realistic, Specific Boundaries

This is where it gets practical.

Stopping sexual activity in a relationship is not about trying harder. It’s about getting wise.

Here are a few real-world boundary shifts to consider:

🚫 Stop:

• Being alone late at night

• Laying down together in bed

• Watching movies under the covers

• “Napping” together or sleeping over (even without sex)

• Saying “we’ll just pray together in private” after messing up

✅ Start:

• Meeting in public or shared spaces more often

• Planning intentional “end of night” routines (like setting alarms or accountability check-ins)

• Having an early curfew (yes, for real)

• Using your car as transportation—not a makeout cave

• Sharing your plan with a trusted couple or mentor

Be clear. Be honest. Be consistent.
Ambiguity is the enemy of purity.

You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be wise, humble, and willing.

Step 4: Bring in Accountability

Accountability is more than confession. It’s community and support with people who care about your actual success.

Ask someone you trust:

• A godly married couple

• A mentor or small group leader

• A pastor or counselor

Give them permission to:

• Ask direct questions about your physical boundaries

• Remind you of your goals

• Speak life over your future

Pro tip: Couple-to-couple accountability works wonders.
Get around another Christian couple who has been where you are—and made it through.

Step 5: Walk Through Repentance and Renewal

If you’ve already had sex, you might be wondering, “Is it too late to do this God’s way?”

The answer is: no.

Repentance is not about groveling or performing. It’s about turning around and walking in a new direction—with God’s help.

Here’s what that can look like:

• Praying together and asking God to forgive and restore you

• Surrendering your sexuality to God again—individually and together

• Committing to walk out new boundaries with God’s help

You might want to even set a “reset date”—a day you look back on as the moment your relationship turned a corner and started building on a new foundation.

Write down your “why.”
Pray over it.
Seal it.

Step 6: Expect Resistance—and Push Through It Together

Don’t be surprised if:

• You get tempted again

• You both feel frustrated

• Your brains keep replaying old habits

• Shame tries to creep back in

That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re retraining your rhythms—spiritually, emotionally, chemically.

Give each other grace—but also stay accountable to your goals. If one of you stumbles, don’t justify it or excuse it. Just say:

“That’s not who we are anymore. Let’s reset. Let’s keep going.”

The enemy wants you stuck in cycles of compromise.
Jesus wants you walking in power, peace, and purpose.

Step 7: Rebuild Intimacy in Other Ways

Sex was never meant to be the only way you connect.
So if you’re stopping sex, that doesn’t mean you stop pursuing intimacy.

Here are other ways to bond:

• Spiritual intimacy: pray together, read Scripture, journal about what God is teaching you

• Emotional intimacy: ask deep questions, process your relationship with honesty

• Fun intimacy: go on new kinds of dates, serve together, try new experiences

Intimacy is about being known and loved. You don’t need to be naked to do that.

Rebuilding intimacy on the other side of sexual compromise is not just possible—it’s powerful.

What If We Slip Up Again?

You might. This isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress and purpose.

If you fall, don’t spiral. Don’t ghost each other. Don’t silently drift into guilt.

Instead:

• Confess it.

• Reset the boundary.

• Pray.

• Revisit your goals.

• Keep going.

You are not disqualified by one moment—or even many moments.
God’s grace is not fragile. And your relationship can still be strong.

What If We’re Engaged and Close to Marriage?

This is one of the hardest spaces to stop sex—because it feels so close.

You’re already committed. You’re planning the wedding. What’s the big deal?

Here’s the deal:
How you date determines how you marry.

Even if you’re only weeks away, choosing to stop now says:

• “I want to build trust.”

• “I value self-control.”

• “I care more about our spiritual health than temporary pleasure.”

Those habits you’re developing now?
They’ll show up in your marriage.

• When you’re exhausted.

• When you’re tempted.

• When intimacy is harder than expected.

Practicing self-control and mutual respect now is the foundation of great sex and great trust later.

Final Thought: This Is Worth It

You may feel overwhelmed. You may feel discouraged. But if you’re asking the question, “How do we stop having sex?”—then you’re already on the right track.

This is not about shame.
This is not about rules.
This is about God inviting you into something better.

A relationship where:

• You can look at each other without guilt.

• You can approach God without hiding.

• You can build something real, lasting, and unshakable.

Want Help Resetting Your Relationship?

I wrote a book exactly for this moment.

It’s called How Far Is Too Far?—a guide to setting physical boundaries, building healthy intimacy, and dating with vision and purpose. No shame. No fear. Just real tools for real relationships.

👉 Get your copy today at PhysicalBoundaries.com

You’re not behind. You’re just getting started.